John Kerry Receives 3 of Iran's Rare and Prized "Magnificent Infidel Tool" Medals

These are the medals that were awarded, according to a UN expert on Iranian Infidel Studies, Mohammed Mohammed Nohomo, who is thought to be homosexual and therefore under the protection of France's head chef at the Louvre, Pierre Jean Claude Pierre la Fit, pictured here in an undated photo.

Oh right, the medals..

The towering John Kerry, in order to ensure he does not appear as the dominant individual next to the puny Iranian political leaders decided to wear the submissive outfit that he generally reserves for his wife's kinky parties, pictured below.

Mr Kerry remarked that he really liked the gold colored one and that it was "very pretty".

As the Ayotollahla was pinning the medals onto Kerry's blouse, one of them pricked Kerry's chest.  He screamed in pain.  

After composing himself, Kerry then asked the Ayotollahla if he had a band-aid and also if Iran had a version of America's Purple Heart medal that Kerry became so fond of years ago when secretly working for the North Vietnamese.

The Ayotollahla said he would check in the sofa cushions and would let Mr Kerry know in the morning.

The ceremony ended with the traditional consumption of kool-aid, scones (biscuits) and a reading from the koran regarding the proper procedure for wife beating.

Well that's it then folks.  I mean it's Iran. What did you expect.

Now Here is a Tune

that is good for doing needlepoint, walking dogs on the beach, blasting off in a SpaceX vehicle,  buying DOGEcoin,  motoring that truck down a two lane blacktop,  looking for 4 leafs, staring into space or applying just the right pressure in just the right place at just the right time.  A tune for young love and old memories, a rainy day, or a fast boat powered by a V-12 on a warm lake. 

Unfortunately no liberals were harmed in the making of this post.

Look at the Moron Some of You Put In The White House

And it will get worse with the upcoming CINC change complete with genital accoutrements. 

Head on over to the Lone Star Parson and check it out.

I mean really, not even that submissive moron Justine Trudeau of Canadia punks himself this badly. 

Then of course enjoy this candid assessment by the center square.

Earth Day, Earth Week, Yada Yada. The Plastic is Here - Our Job is Done

 In celebration of Earth Day !

Can You Make Up News Like This ?

The year 2026 - Maxine Waters in prison and has undergone gender transition to male (I know hard to tell) and here she is at her parole hearing describing what she will do if released.

Duuude ! The seas have fallen, not risen.  Past and present Harbour of Ancient and present day Rome.  LINK

Kitty wants me to keep working from home.  purrpurrpurrrrrrrrrr

Stanford study concludes facemasks are absolutely useless against the pink death - Covid

I dunno, Commander Charles Richard looks serious when he warns of the potential Nuklar Threat.  $4.6 billion federal study concludes Duck and Cover best defense against potential upcoming nuclear bomb attacks.

In 20 minute interview with Kamala Harris, she just laughs hysterically at each question providing no answer, occasionally screaming "I'M THE VP!"

California imprisons Smokey the Bear. Claims Smokey constantly getting people paranoid with hyperbole regarding friendly fires being health and safety hazards. Students at Berkeley chant "Smokey the Liar!" over and over.

White House flies flag at half staff as Afghanistan officials declare "America kicked our butts. They beat us fair and square. We bow down to America.  We are not worthy.  We are devastated to see them go."

Facebook now requires monthly fee of $50 per user to be paid in advance.  Furious users relay horror stories about how their kids will have to go on food rationing to pay for it.

Crying woman talking about how she may have to turn to prostitution.  "What else Can I do!?" she cries.

White House orders term "Illegal Alien" to be replaced with "New Democrat Voter".

Kamala Harris gets new drivers license specifying "X" designation for gender.  Later says she was confused and thought it meant how someone might find her lying in bed at any given moment.

Moon declared racist.  "It's white and it ryhmes with 'coon'" screams Al Sharpton.

Rappers, young and old, professional or amatuer set to replace all federal circuit court judges.  First order of business will be to replace all court employees with scantily clad exotic dancers

Meghan McCain demands disgraced dad be cloned and brought back to life to serve in Congress so we can "Take This Country Back".

Biden begins 2020 presidential campaign.  White House spokesperson says 'Aw just let him do what he wants. We think it's kinda cute actually."

New Jeopardy host declares all answers must be given in Jive.  All contestants stymied.  All scores are in negative numbers at conclusion of show.  Or in Jive "All Sc'ors bitch ugly my brother".

"Booogada Booogada Booogada" declared valid answer to any College SAT question starting in the 2021-22 admissions testing period.

Biden writes executive order to Annex China into the USA.  Experts think it may be the other way around.

Yes, Of Course - CO2 causes racism

Kid News Network Contemplating Stock Market IPO. In The Meantime...

Barron Trump, currently 6' 8" at 15 years of age projected to be 17' 5" when he runs for president in the year 2040.  White House modification plans already beginning at secret architectural firm owned by Russian Oligarch and based in China.

Physics bending technology to be used to counter non-existent alien forces.  Receiving large sums of money to develop.

Scientist claims his craft will be able to accelerate from zero to many times the speed of sound in a fraction of a second.  He admits he is still working on a way to keep human passengers from ending up like bugs on a windshield on the back walls of the craft.

Iran demands to be given all nuclear arms technology in addition to nuclear bombs, submarines and airplanes, and a bunch of money, before they agree to hold nuclear talks with Biden administration.

Mike Lindell accused of planting microscopic devices into My Pillows that convert liberals to Conservatives while they sleep.

Secret video emerges of Hunter Biden in sordid sex threesome with Jill Biden and underage grand daughter of Joe Biden while seedy motel room being guarded by Secret Service.  Jimmy Kimmel and Hunter preview video on late night show. 

BLM founder buys 1.4 million $ home in LA 98% white area.  Owns 3 other expensive estates.

Covid cases ramping up in all states with tightest lockdown mandates.

Recognizing customers are bored with 'Pro' versions of products, Apple to announce new 'Porn Star' designation for higher end models.

Note to First Ladies.  Shut up, you weren't elected.

Antifa declares itself a terrorist organization. Demands huge sums of money from Biden administration to send all members in for therapy and counselling.

What The Hell? I Thought She Was At Work !!

What The HECK Is Going On ?! Who Is Responsible !?

Well, after all, Biden's 1.7 trillion jobs plan would cost each taxpayer $666,000 per job created.

Trump Trashes Mr Rogers, says the well known laid back star of Mr Rogers neighborhood could not tweet something to keep you awake if his life depended on it.

Mr Rogers plans to run for president in 2024 with the platform "I will hang up your sweater, get you a cookie, and tuck you in each and every night."

Odds makers give him a 101% chance of being elected.

N Korea's Kim Jong un declares American politicians totally screwed in the head from sexual tension. Offers to build Comfort Women Resorts throughout the District of Columbia and stock them with teenage girls from Central America now flooding Southern Border.

And finally for your partly cloudy, but mostly sunny day wherever the heck you are - Don't Worry ! Be Happy !

Lots Going On Out There !

California sheriff arresting innocent residents off the street.  "For every illegal alien with a criminal record I release, I'm required to arrest a law abiding citizen off the street or even out of their home if necessary."

Graham calls biden admin a "shitshow", immediately apologizes and calls for amnesty for all illegals, past present and future.  Secretly calls Joe Biden on batphone and pledges allegiance to Democrat party.

Marco Rubio - There are UFO's flying over US military bases and the government has no clue what they are.

Couple questions there Marco.. So why are we paying you people and Why the hell are we paying you people? 

Biden's Secy of Defense orders all F-22's to have the capability to shoot themselves like F35 can do.

Marketing people in terror of offending someone now showing humans in commercials as just big multi-colored blobs with patches of hair and random numbers of limbs.

Biden was talking the other day and mentioned "Jim Eagle" as some sort of racist thing.  We went to our experts to find that a "Jim Eagle" is a Republican dog faced pony soldier and a Racist Eagle in the middle of a malarkey orgy.

We are all relatives of George Floyd.  I want my money !

Pelosi opens sessions now with drinking of blood from the Judas Chalice.  All Democrats partake. Republicans balk but eventually join in.

Jimmy Carter begins 2024 presidential campaign. Says "Hell if Biden and that black girl can do it"

All teachers must now be certified for ideological perfection. Just partly socialist isn't good enough. Just partly Communist isn't good enough.

Juan Williams states it is impossible for black people to commit crimes.

Dog Loves Unicorn - Hell Yea !

Pence announces 2024 run for president.  In a public announcement event, he yawned repeatedly, snored, and chanted the same phrase over and over until everyone left.

Russian Dating Profile Pictures.  Guess these are real.  Feel sorry for people living in an environment that too many Americans want to emulate..  Get your profile pics now kids!

Kitty engagement Picture.

Drug mfg's claim their vaccine is 100% effective in people who are 100% Not at risk for Covid.

California outlaws gasoline and diesel powered cars.  Residents buy electric cars, then discover CO2 output at power plants used for recharging cars is through the roof. Rogue residents sabotage and destroy power plants.  Now no one can drive.

United said it plans to train 5,000 pilots in its flight academy by 2030 and aims for half of those students to be women or people of color.

2024 - Newly minted female pilot slides into the left seat of cockpit, looks at her co-pilot and asks "So where are we heading today?" He responds "Cleveland".  She says "Oh Hell no, we've been there 3 times this week, we're going somewhere else !"  They end up in Newark.  Granted both cities are about the same. Passengers still upset over destination snafu.  United did not immediately return calls for comment.

Democrat Governors Issue New Covid Mandate.  Everyone must wear 3 pair of underwear when in public, at least one from another gender and do the swag dance every 15 minutes.  Your phone will ding when it is time to Swag!  Don't have a phone, we'll give you one!  Study the following Vid until you have it memorized.

Is There Love in Space?

 All About Nebulas

Click the pics for a short description and usually a much larger image or be required to wear steel wool undies by your democrat governor that ultra-maroons in your state voted in to screw with you constantly.  Like you don't have enough to deal with already.

Medusa Nebula

Butterfly Nebula

California Nebula

Eagle Nebula

Pelican Nebula

Rosette Nebula

With Star Cluster Sauce

Some music to ponder the space bound love options.

No Shortage of News

"Afghanistan US military pull out made more difficult because over half of remaining 2500 troops there are still in the gender transitioning process."  explains White House spokesperson Jen.

"They Can't Be Moved During This Process !" Screams a uniformed transgender person calling herself Charlene, still visibly horrified after having a daydream that someone will refer to her as "Sir" at some point.  Charlie, (now Brittany Tiffany Martinez), appears to look at her sympathetically.  Either that or she thinks Charlene is "hot".

Later in this normally classified strategy meeting of NCO's, and after regaining her composure, she flaps her left hand around to illustrate the unique challenges experienced by men shaving their legs and wearing skirts while the beautiful redhead nearest the camera wonders why the little snowflake doesn't just wear pants like she does. "Lots more room for stuff when you can sit like this until the surgery is complete" she thinks to herself.

On a more serious note, it turns out that Russia Actually has built and maintains an actual doomsday device that is capable of bypassing all standard protocols to launch their entire nuclear arsenal.

Excerpt:

The one true doomsday device that’s known to exist has been around since 1985 and is called Система «Периметр», or, in normal people talk, Perimeter System. It’s also more evocatively known as Dead Hand.

Like Whoa dudes.  Someone tell Joe "Bananas" Biden before he goes all "Going to take Putin out behind the bleachers and kick his ass" on the Russian President.

CNN outs Donald J Trump as Dr. Evil, seen here without makeup.

Here in a photo obtained exclusively by CNN, we see Trump's right hand man, Mini Me, who also provides hitman services under the cover name Odd Job.  Which is odd.

It has been learned that Dr Evil and his extensive cast of Conservative Nationalist Supremacist Racist Phobic partners intend to gain control over the entire world.  The first order of business is rumored to be shipping 99% of the media and 100% of the democrats to Mars.  In a secret recording at Mar-A-Lago, Mr Trump is heard laughing while saying "Let them enjoy their commie pinko fag paradise on Mars!  Ha Ha Ha Ha HAA!"

The US Navy and NASA have finally copped to the existence of UFO's visiting our planet and being in our atmosphere now for decades. 

In this photo taken near Wickenburg, AZ, an object that appears to be a huge flying cinnamon bun, NASA spokesperson explains "Nope that thing is chock full of aliens. The icing on top is just part of the disguise."

In this next photo, an object appearing to be a huge denture appliance, is flying by Trump Tower in Bahia Blanca, Argentina.

Don Lemon of CNN speculates these are all part of Donald "Dr Evil" Trump's plan for world domination.

People interviewed on the streets of Los Angeles expressed mixed feelings about the confirmation of UFOs and the possible consequences for the world.

Close to fifty percent really don't care while around another 50% hope the aliens take over California.  "Let the fly over people fend for themselves" said one Los Angeles native.

"Maybe the aliens will take climate change more seriously !" exclaimed another.  "Hope they open some good restaurants" said an attractive blond woman walking by our reporter on scene.  "Hope they have a cure for Covid-19!" yells a masked jogger racing by.

It doesn't appear people are very concerned.

Follow-up On The News

 In the last segment, we learned that Isabel Guzman, who is related to Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman was confirmed to be the Small Business Administration Chief.

Today we learn that Ms Guzman in her first action as SBA chief has authorized billions of dollars in the first of many grants to be given to the drug cartels along the Southern Border.  "They're small businesses you dipstick" she remarked when asked what benefit to America these grants would have.

CNN followed up with a story showing how more drugs equates to more homeless people resulting in more jobs available for responsible people who actually work and as a result will be paying more taxes and effectively pay for these programs.  The druggies are happy, the idiots are now working 2 and 3 jobs which they love to do, and the government is collecting oodles more tax.  It's a Win-Win-Win.   "Nothing like a feel good story to wrap things up" remarked a CNN co-host of unknown gender.

In response to resident Biden calling the Russian president Putin a killer, Vlad had these things to say.

The Russian leader pointed at the U.S. atomic bombing of Japan during World War II, as well as America’s past history of slaughtering Native Americans and slavery, arguing that the painful legacies weigh on the United States.

“Otherwise, where would the Black Lives Matter movement come from,” he said.

Recalling his childhood, Putin said that he and his friends would respond to insults with a rhyme saying “the names you call is what you are yourself.”  

Chloe the news presenter provided the following translation for those unable to read "What this means exactly" she stated "is that Putin is rubber and Mr Biden is glue so whatever Biden says bounces off Mr Putin and sticks to you [Mr Biden]."

In today's news we find that the Senate confirms Xavier Becerra as Head of HHS.  Xavier in acceptance remarks mentioned how he will be working very hard to get El Chapo out of prison and back to his recently funded drug cartel in Mexico.  Let's all wish Xavier and especially El Chapo lots of luck !

Speaking of the border, it is learned that the Biden Administration has replaced the entire Border Patrol Service with Sylvester the Cat.  We have obtained exclusive video of Sylvester on the job.  Wish him well folks, he has his work cut out for him.

Moving along we find that The Bachelor is being sued for demanding that the show's contestants have only female body parts.  It seems all the contestants are transgender according to new rules imposed by shows parent company.

Biden administration declares April as "National month for people who have sex with African raccoons in seedy motels".

Concentration Camps are now open all across the country as part of the Hotel California initiative.  Admission rate is $125,00 per month if you bring your own audio/video monitoring equipment or $175.00 per mo. if this will be provided to you.  These places are filling up fast folks ! Don't Delay !

Kim Jong un's brother's niece's aunt's cousin 3 times removed declares US will be victim of merciless attacks by N Korea if the US even looks sideways at the country.  The threat has been confirmed by local news correspondent Poing Poing Donk.

Closing out today's segment we have this selfie video sent in by one of our followers watching last night's CNN world news.  Have a great night all, see you when people do even more stupid stuff to report.

Yikes - Biden calls Putin a Killer

 Link

More sources available from your favorite search engine.

He's not going to like being called a murderer.  Word is Putin has already recalled diplomatic envoys.

This is not a trivial matter imo.

Slow News Day

Isabel Guzman, directly related to Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman put in charge of America's Small Business Administration.  

"The likeness is uncanny" say the former Royal couple wandering around the world pimping themselves for whatever someone will give them and about to get whacked by the Queen.

Tiger Woods returns to the PGA Golf Video Game by Take 2 Interactive.

The Tiger character in this latest version will be playing with two broken legs and an 18 handicap.

Kim Jong un's ugly sister, Kim Yo Jong has told Biden to watch his P's and Q's and also that “If it [the U.S.] wants to sleep in peace for coming four years, it had better refrain from causing a stink at its first step,”  In closing she said "My Brudder gonna mess you up big time little pedo man."

Biden Administration announces it is about to steal all the money in people's 401K plans and blame it on pimply faced nerdy kids in Iran and China.

Panicked trader says market could go up, down, or sideways "Nobody Knows!" he screams from the NYSE trading floor.

Scientists announce plan to move Earth further away from the sun in latest futile attempt to keep planet from self-destructing in 8 years.  Spokesperson for Climate Action Critical Activities joint venture  (CACA) says everyone needs to send all financial assets to France in order to purchase Huge Rocket Engines to attach to either side of the Earth and fire them up to send the Earth off and away from the Sun. He/She/it added. "The Sun is one big hot mother and it is intent on making things warmer here on Earth. There's no disputing it."

In local WCPO station news interviews, Cincinnati man claims "Ain't nuthin going on around here that wasn't goin on 20 years ago.  I ain't gonna worry about all those freaks out there. Havin a good time, suggest y'all do the same."  

New Cryptocurrency announced, "Puddytat" to counter DOGE coin that has recently rocketed to 0.06 cents per.  Creator of Puddytat claims owners will be purring like mad in a couple years. "It's the cats meow" he says as he calls for anyone interested to send in their favorite cat pics to use as the image icon for new coin. 

Coca Cola CEO states that "A bunch of boycotting Right Wing Nuts won't affect our bottom line. We're lobbying the Biden administration right now to make Coca Cola part of the vaccine regimen for the Covid plague. Ha ha ha Ha Ha HAAAAA" he screams as he leaves the interview hand in hand with apparent latest homosexual partner Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twitter.  Picture absent since the scucker looks like a homeless drowned rat these days due to him probably strung out on cocaine with Hunter Biden in recent weeks.

Time For Some Chet Atkins

 Enjoy.

Special Report !

The following special report comes via Action News - Anytown USA 

Looking at the internet, you'd think men were mindless slobs.  Let's take a peek at what gets them excited.

Bacon !!!!  Yaa!

 

Guns !!!!! Oh Yea !

 

Belt fed machine guns !!!   Yumpin Yimini !

 

Partially clothed Woman !!!!! Oooga Oooga Oooga !

 

Naked Woman !  Oh My !!! Moans and groans !!

 

Partially clothed Woman in Cowboy Hat !!!  Oooga Oooga Oooga Oooga!!!!

 

Naked Woman in Cowboy Hat and Boots !!!   Oooga Oooga Oooga Oooga Oooga Oooga !!!!

 

Naked Woman in Cowboy Hat and Boots holding Gun !!!   Oooga Oooga Gurgle Gurgle Gurgle Oooga Oooga Oooga !!!!

 

Naked woman in Cowboy Hat with Boots holding Gun eating Bacon !!! Get A Grip !!! OOOOoooooooooGaaaaaa !

 

Naked Woman in Cowboy Hat with Boots Holding Gun COVERED in Bacon !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  All men pass out, call 911.

In other news:

Joe Biden signs executive order declaring all military PT (physical training)  sessions to be performed while watching Richard Simmons exercise tapes.  Richard Simmons totally freaks the heck Out while congress loads up on Richard Simmons exercise tape company stock.

Scientists say that sending money to democrat political campaigns will drastically reduce the effects of climate change.

AOC proposes alternate plan of removing all CO2 from the atmosphere.  When advised that this will cause all plantlife to die and destroy the food chain along with all life on Earth, she simply responds "These things take care of themselves. Stop getting in the way of saving the planet !".

The Markets:  7 traders with differing opinions on stocks and the market get into heated argument on floor of New York Stock Exchange, pull handguns and blow each other to smithereens.  NYSE intern says someone should go get some more traders.

Joe Biden signs executive order declaring all senior commanding positions in military to be filled by pregnant women only.  Transgender men/women furious - promise lawsuits.

Joe Biden removes all migrant children from cages, declares them cage free migrants and sends them to Hollywood to fill spiraling pedophile demand for more children.  

CNN so enamored with Joe Biden's constant failed attempts at reading teleprompters says "Joe's mind works at warp speed and Trump era teleprompters just can't keep up".  Suggest replacing current teleprompters with state of the art models from China or Russia.

Pepe Le Pew lawyers claim Entrapment when asked about his somewhat forceful advances toward female pussycats who were always wagging their tails in his face.

Project Veritas to air mind blowing expose on ...

And I'm afraid we are out of time.

More New News !

See if you can guess which stories are real !

Video of Bill Gates being hauled out of Star Trek themed billionaires meeting wailing about how everyone should just die.

CNBC - Comfort Women Resort stocked with Democrat women reporting massive losses in recent quarter.  Resort actually having to pay the blind visitors.

FDA warns Gerber and other baby food makers to get lead and other toxic metal additives out of their products or face stiff fines.  (Real)

Military creates "Adopt a Homo or Tranny" program to make new recruits feel accepted and more at home.  Senior members who participate are encouraged to engage in dress up activities with their adoptee and try to find them dates when they're AWOL.

China makes anal swabs for Covid testing mandatory for all foreign visitors.  Democrat dignitaries complain swabs are too small. 

"Scientists" betwixted and bewildered over Covid cases dropping like rocks.

Scientists also warn of critical shortage of sand.  Sandboxes for kids in USA to blame.  

Chimpanzees show up for girls rock climbing competition, all chanting Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Google translates this to mean they all identify as human females and so are allowed to complete.   With 100 Chimps competing,  Chimps take 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, .... 100th place.  Girls left crying and humiliated.

Boy Scouts announce new merit badge  "Celebrity Hookup", with extra credit for same sex and/or multiple partners.

New Olympic events -  Traffic Cone placement,  Panera Sandwich Build,  Identify That Tattoo.

Democrat voters disgusted that both Senate election primary contenders are good looking non-homosexuals, suspect Tomfoolery.

CNN and other media confused why Jill Biden not being touted as most beautiful fashion queen of the world by media as yet.  Don Lemon said he'd do her if he was straight.  Chris Cuomo remarks how he was stunned almost to unconsciousness when he saw her in that inauguration dress.

Yea, why aren't they parading her butt around on magazine covers and such?

News !

Biden administration backs plan to replace all current medical doctors with black people who can't do math.

US Capitol building sustains 107th attack in as many days.

Biden backs drop in minimum wage to 3.40 per hour.

All union teachers to retire immediately on full pay, essentially taking rest of their lives as snow days.

Whistleblower to blow whistle at next SOTU scheduled for January, 2029 at the earliest.

Everything that non-black people do, say, or think is declared racist.

Democrats cheer rising Misery Index which was originally created under Jimmy Carter to detail how much he sucked as President.  Pelosi holds news conference to declare that this important measure of America's health is finally rising again.  Pelosi nominated for Emmy, Nobel peace Prize, and Honorary Golden Globes awards.

Joe Biden to present Snoop Dog with Congressional Medal of Freedom.

Baltimore student at top half of his class with 0.13 grade average after passing 3 classes in 4 years. "Tiffany France thought her son would receive his diploma this coming June. But after four years of high school, France just learned, her 17-year-old must start over. He’s been moved back to ninth grade." (Looks like real one?)

Las Vegas sold to Kim Jong Un. All casinos converted into Comfort Women Resorts.

World Leaders doing prank calls to White House all day long, every day. Joe Biden seen running down street thinking White House Refrigerator was running on Pennsylvania Ave. - other staff members frantically looking for a Prince Albert supposedly trapped in a can.

Reparations estimated to cost 347 trillion dollars by CBO.  Joe Biden holds press conference, says 347 dollars, er 347 hundred dollars, or he clarifies that 1,347 roasting chestnuts is nothing we can't afford then begins talking about he and Jill's Christmas plans then asks if anyone brought presents with them.

Anonymous whistleblower doctor testifies that Joe Biden has black eyes, lifeless eyes, like a doll's eyes.

Daily shots of Covid Vaccine now required to gain up to 68% chance of immunity.

National Guard troops stationed in parking garage at Capitol building forced to drink "Blood of Satan' concoction. 

Couple Randoms for Old People

 Man, Time just keeps on tickin tickin tickin. Into the future.

Here's a couple ideas:

Open a business that sells products for households with no kids.

Nothing sold is child proof.  In fact, all products are guaranteed to injure children if they even look at them.  Lighters that all ya gotta do is pull the trigger for it to light without holding some button down and hopping on one leg at the same time while screaming Light You SOB !

How about a Board Game with these squares:

Medical: find out what ailment you're falling out of bed with today.  Have to land on a Medical Services square to get it fixed and pay whatever the price is.  While you have it you can only move 6 squares forward or back.

Blind Date: Pull 3 cards off the blind date stack to find out if your date is rich or not and what kind of baggage they might have.   No insurance, 5 dogs that need walked, alcoholic, scary friends, rich (yaa), heir to large estate (double yaa), hugely in debt,  hugely in debt to the mob, has a politician as family member who is democrat, can't drive, operates a Raccoon and Opossum Rescue, only wants sex twice a year... who the heck knows.  Each item of baggage costs you money until you land on the Dump Em square.  Each item of good stuff (like them being rich) awards you money with each toss of the die, but don't land on the Get Dumped square or the good times are over.

Booze: land on the booze square and take a real drink from your alcoholic beverage choices.

Strip: land on this square and shock your guests by taking off a piece of clothing.  Guests have to pay you to have you put it back on. 

Kissing: land here and kiss the person of the opposite sex closest to you or anyone who will let you.

DotGov: Land here and have to deal with a government agency. You must sit out 3 turns and pay $50 fee.

Spouse Choice:  Land here and get some busy work to take care of while everyone else plays without you until you finish.

Maybe you have some more ideas.

News

Amy Barrett said she voted outside the constitution over the PA election suit because she thought she was supposed to take Ruth Ginsberg's place.  That's what John Roberts told her when she showed up for work.  Clarence Thomas screams he is "fit to be tied"  Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh call for Lindsey Graham to call this action out as a Sham - A Big Sham!

Facebook bans everyone outside of most facebook employees and ISIS vermin

Twitter follows suit but bans most of their own employees as well.  Stocks for both companies rally.

CNN reports Nana Pelosi caught having sex with Jerry Nadler, all news presenters immediately vomit live on camera when realizing what they just said and all go home on personal leave for a length of time TBD (to be defined).

Biden pays Xi Jinpingpong 10 billion to let him win at a game of Chinese checkers on Facebook live.  Unfortunately for Joe, the broadcast was censored due to facebook's latest community standards rules.

Markie Zukerburg and Jackie Dorsey show up for Congressional hearing, immediately moon the congress members in attendance, laugh like hell and leave while Ted Cruz screams "There will be Consequences!".  Lindsey Graham just got a far away smiley look on his face.

From CNBC - Anonymous 'Trader' says "Market may crash, look out below, and Oh woe is us !".

$15 minimum wage enacted, followed by wage increases among union members whose contracts are based on minimum wage causing huge inflation spiral. Minimum wage earners demand $25  minimum wage.  AOC demands $50 minimum wage to counteract the next inflation spiral. Warren Buffet thinks things are spiraling out of control.

Lindsey Graham demands more subpoenas to get to the bottom of the suspected erroneous "Steele Dossier". Plans for indictments by April 32nd 2041.

Health authorities in England announced they have not had a single case of influenza this year.  (Real one.)

Second graders in this California school forced into mutual masturbation sessions during on-line zoom classes.  Teachers secretly recording sessions to sell to child porn movie makers.

Teachers aide testing out children's responses on 8th graders says he was unaware schools already dong this.

Bradley (Chelsea) Manning says has only been approached for sex by other transgenders, says they make him nauseous to look at, says he plays Hank Willliam's tune "I'm so Lonely" [I could cry] over and over in his big empty New York apartment.  Also says he is a lot prettier than "that fake Jenner chick".

All statues of famous Americans to be replaced by statues of Joe Stalin, Pol Pot, Xi Jiningpong, and Vladimir Putin.

Chess Declared Racist because White moves first (real one)

Mr and Mrs Potato Head now just sick twisted Potato Heads (nuther real one)

White House spokesperson Jen Psaki now bringing her favorite doll - Raggedy Ann, to all pressers.

White House Doctor says Joe Biden's teleprompter has been diagnosed with Dementia !

Congress passses 3 trillion "Unity Bill" directed to be used only for whole body tattoos for everyone and gender retransformation surgeries for anyone too weak to resist.

Tune in next week !  Or not.