Heck of a News Day

Bernie Supporters declare war on democrats LOL

Pope declares allegience to Church of Satan.

Government unemployment application website found to be source of ransomware child sex trafficking operation.

Journalists sitting at home in underwear waiting for instructions from below.

Plant Life demand more hydroxyphotosynthisischlorophil.  Holding bees and other insects hostage until it is delivered

Who the hell is allysa millano. Cher's lover? Don't tell me.

Doctors and patients in battle to see who can delay appointments the longest.

5G technology will make everyone walk around naked in public.  Get your blinders folks if you live in Cincinnati.

Joe Biden claims  Trump hasn't dealt with Covid-19 because kitties are soft and furry and Thank Heaven for Leetle Girls.

Hank Johnson claims entire Earth will capsize and fall into the moon but only at nighttime.  AOC starts donation drive to save everyone, blames Trump for catastrophe.

Banks are failing amid Coronovirus atttack, customers finding empty safety deposit boxes. Bank officials standing around with stupid smiles on face when pressed for details.

Pope cancels Easter, focuses on Ramadan.

Tiger Woods and other professional golfers forced to play Masters Tournament at putt putt golf course outside of Cleveland with no more than one person in attendance per hole.

US Airstrike kills terrorist leader.  357 million moslem vermin waiting in wings to take his place.

Some guy making millions does something amazing with a ball.  World goes nuts.  Throws more money at him.

Joe Biden elected president signs Executive Order forcing all girls under the age of 13 to be drafted into military, cancels all meetings indefinitely in favor of inspecting military barracks nationwide for next 4 years.

Trump Administration replaces seats in media room of White House with disguised Electric Chairs, has touchscreen activation panel installed on podium.

9th Circuit court of appeals declares America in violation of galactic law, orders all residents to immediately commit suicide.

Major League Baseball working feverishly to make game exceptionally more boring when games restart. Idea floated include pitchers taking at least 15 minutes between pitches while scratching nuts and spitting on pitchers mound.  Chewing Gum to be furnished by local taxpayers.

Megyn Kelly tries to hook up with Donald Trump on Tinder, Grinder, and Match.com but only if she can get her job back at FOX.

There's more of course, but I've taken enough of your time.  Buy my book would ya?

Hey!, Not Like I Make This Stuff Up !

Holiday Inn Express now indoctrinating guests to be pro-Communism and anti-Trump.

Corona virus victims discover disease reactivates every time Nana Peloisi uses battery powered sex toy.

Majority of people under 35 commit suicide after discovering Star Wars was only just a movie.

Georgia Governor lambasted by coastal city mayor after re-opening beaches and denying presence of largest great white killer shark because of righteous belief that Richard Dreyfuss is a fricken moron.  Captain Brody dumbfounded into silence.  Robert Shaw insists on hunting shark in small canoe.  CNN claims Robert Shaw working for Trump.  Also claim Ellen Brody having affair with Melania and family pets in west wing after dark.

Joe Biden admits to having sexual fantasies involving Melania Goldberg, wants Whoopi to join the two of them in a threesome for a game of naked twister as long as Ruth Buzzi Ginsberg is officiating over the event and keeping score.

Joe Biden demands to know "where'd all the cars go" as he peddles around Washington DC on his tricycle. 

Governor Ralph Northam using his KKK outfit as defense against corona virus. 

Sports Fans buying Vibrating Football Field game out of stock around the world as they experience deep withdrawal symptoms over the sports shut down. Collectors from the 70's becoming millionaires overnight.

Microsoft Anti-Virus software just makes virus worse.

District Judge from ninth circuit declares President Trump must resign for wishing good health to England's Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

Project Veritas reveals in exclusive video that Mitt Romney secretly dresses up as H. Clinton at his private residence in Utah every night.... Details unsuitable for public imagery or audio release according to Sean Hannity.

Schools discovering on line learning being taken over by naked teen sexting.  Teachers overwhelmingly approve.

Because of Stay At Home mandates, half of America experiencing Domestic Violence, Other Half Pregnant.

Transgenders Pissed they can no longer go into restaurants and scream at patrons that they're using the wrong gender pronoun.

AOC Screams on congressional floor during debate on green new deal bill  "Give em an offer they can refuse !"

Biden-speak now officially in the Websters dictionary.

French President goes on world TV, declares "Sacre Bleu!"

In the News

Nada Damn Thing.

In The News - Hey, it's Not Like I Make This Stuff Up.

Imaginary ​President Joe Biden fires Donald Trump as Ambassador to Iran claiming Mr Trump is helping them undermine the USA by sending them pallets of cash.

Nana Pelosi and the democrat house pass law that turns all Republican votes in November 2020  into democrat votes.​  President Trump vetoes the bill so hard it makes her dentures fly into the 6th row of the Bette Midler concert audience.  Concert attendees demand to pay double ticket price on way out of theater.

Vladamir Putin under fire by Russian media for colluding with the US. Reports indicate unusual and frequent sexual activity with Adam Schiff, Nana Pelosi, and Jerry Nadler in New Jersey No-Tell Motel.  MSNBC reporters visually nauseated on air.  Some violently regurgitate directly at camera. 

AOC mixes drinks at luxury home apartment while explaining how vaccines aren't any harder to make than a Rose Spritzer, Fuzzy Navel, or Pink Squirrel. In what appears to be selfie video while mixing,  she exclaims "Come On People, if 3 times 3 = 15, we can knock out this virus by April 37th!"

President Donald J Trump signs executive order declaring all elections null and void - says he will be President until they take Oval Office phone from his cold dead hands.  Jim Acosta self-immolates himself near the entrance of a Planned Parenthood life celebration center in retaliation.

100% of Girl Scouts now pregnant after sleeping in Boy Scout tents over weekend. 17% test positive for STD's, class action suits directed at the Donald Trump administration and Pentagon are pending.  White House press conference by Vice President Mike Pence employs Power Point presentation showing how pregnancy and STDs occur.  Task Force is created and funded by 7 trillion budget infrastructure bill to deal with this issue.

Democrats pass bill declaring makers of sex toys as essential businesses.

 

Based upon President Trumps plea for Americans to mask their mouth using whatever is available, thousands of people now seen walking around with sexy panties covering their faces.  A visibly pleased Joe Biden screams "Go President Trump" before passing out from sexual tension buildup.

President Trump reveals why he refuses to Nuke New York City and other major towns.

Wal-Mart declares it will shoot and kill customers who are within 6 feet of other customers.

China declared Leader of World Health Organization.

Everyone expected to sue everyone else over Corona Virus in late 2020, early 2021.  Stock market takes hit.

Lizzy Warren declares virus is attack on all people with 1/1024th Indian DNA, demands wall street big wigs find people willing to have sex with her.

Rosie O'Donnell claims virus has caused massive hair growth on back, legs, and arms sues federal government for inaction in dealing with corona virus.

Joe Biden seen leafing through Mexican yellow pages in frantic VP Candidate Search.  Also placing adverts on Cinco-DE-Quattro dating website.

 

At The Risk Of Repeating Myself

The Golden Room

Warning, Maybe a Sad Tune For Some

But it has brought me some comfort over the years.

A Very Aptly Named Tune

Joe Satriani - Longing.

I'm Really Starting to Believe That They Want us Dead.

"They" being the younger communist/socialist loving indoctrinated morons.  The media and all of social media, the Bernie supporters and assorted other dumbasses.

Example

And Not Too Far Away

Just downtown in our little galaxy.

Click the image of course to read all about it.

In the News

• President Trump signs executive order requiring all American citizens to purchase AR-15's, semi-automatic shotguns, and pistols with large capacity magazines, all with suppressors.   New buyers can immediately file for reimbursement according to terms in the recently drafted and signed Nana Pelosi sponsored Covid-19 protection act of 2020.
• Disgraced former FOX news Trump basher, Shep Smith now holed up with recently released Bradly (Chelsea) Manning.  Both expected to be featured on the Ellen Show as "an item" as soon as quarantines are lifted.  Wedding registries are setup at luxury furniture maker IKEA  and Sex Toy distributor True Romance for the couple.  I've already committed to gifting this single set of wonderful set of black knobs which could also be used as butt plugs? - I'm guessing. The 2 pack was the lowest unit of measure I could purchase.  If someone could help me out with half of this gift, it would be appreciated...
• Wild animals retake towns and villages as residents forced to stay indoors. Animals observed setting up BBQ grills and rubbing paws together while engaging in XXX sexual acts outside residents homes in show of domination not seen since Neanderthal times.  Hairy unwashed guys cheering as their "End is Near" prediction finally coming true.
• EU Officials declare quarantine procedures will not be enforced among the moslem vermin military aged men asylum seekers and migrants cause it might make them angry.
• Presidential hopeful Joe Biden Announces immediate cure for Covid-19, a Clean and Safe Power Supply for not only the Earth but the entire universe, the total elimination of the Climate Emergency, Complete removal of STD's and Acne,  free pills to eliminate all belly fat immediately overnight, free everything and in fact, including free lunches and free sex with anyone of any age upon the first day of his taking office.  Teen Vogue magazine Enthusiastically endorses his platform and begins taking in billions of federal aid of which 85% will be donated back to the democrat party for campaign purposes.
• Joe Biden dodges all questions during town halls by answering all questions with stories about how young female body parts felt and smelled as he caressed and sniffed them during previous town halls he thought he may have attended.  He states that if you don't believe that you can Ask My Wife Joe Biden.  Gets very wispy and teary when remembering fondling the buttocks of one 13 yr old in the red dress during some Senate social event.  Video on youtube of course.
• Military leadership holed up in previously assumed 100% secure nuclear secure bunkers such as Cheyenne Mountain nervous as reports of infiltration of these bunkers by transgenders who enlisted during the obama administration begin circulating.  Leadership begin nightly panty raids to flesh out the infiltrators. 
• Media restart the Vietnam war in virtual reality to scare all people of draft age that they will likely be drafted over the next 4 years and sent to their deaths.
• Donald Trump needs David Blaine on his PR team.
• Donald Trump backs off Quarantine of New York in favor of recommending vacation travel to the area for all democrat voters.
• Majority of former sports fans realize that as the sports industry is shut down they actually enjoy their more than ample free time not glued to a TV watching millionaires play with a ball while sportscasters get excited and scream about every boring thing that happens for three hours at a clip.

Maybe some more next week.  Things are happening fast. And loose.