Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Butthurt, Are You a Victim ?

The following government approved form for claiming Butthurt compensation was released immediately upon the confirmed election of Donald J Trump as President.

Since then we have had some Bona-Fido complaints that the form is lacking in effectiveness.

As a result of these claims and the demonstrated ability of the Federal government to care more about each of YOU more than life itself, the following enhancements have been made.  Rest assured they have all been approved by both the obamacare regulatory commission as well as the new obamacare roll out to be known as Trumpcare.

The following sections have been added for the more severe butthurt cases.

Please answer truthfully so we can apply the most effective forms of relief

With 1 being the lowest level pain and 10 being the highest, please rate these events accordingly.  Enter a value to the left of each item in the box provided using #2 pencil or medium ball point pen.
Enter values for all that apply.

[ ]  Donald Trump won the election

[ ] The hildebeast lost the election

[ ] President Trump tweets while laughing at all of my heroes in the media and the democrat party
[ ] My friends all tell me CNN sucks the big one and is FOS.
[ ] My friends laugh at me because they say I'm as dumb as a freakin box of rocks with no rocks
[ ] Apparently Everyone has me blocked in comment sections managed by Disqus.  (At least I think that's true because no one ever responds to my naive, hate filled rants about DJ Trump
[ ] The Paris Accord was cancelled
[ ] TPP was cancelled
[ ] Melania can never select the proper Shoes for an event !
[ ] President Trump shot 73 on a PGA Tournament level Course !
[ ] President Trump is going to cause our dear friend Kim Jong Un to drop a nuke on us
[ ] Enter your own painful meme and use additional paper if needed but just remember where that freaking paper comes from !

Ok, Time for Your Relief !

Please tell us what will make you feel So much better [Check all that apply]

[ ] lifetime safe room privileges

[ ] play-doh

[ ] coloring books with standard color crayons

[ ] coloring books with enhanced color crayons

[ ] coloring books with standard and enhanced color crayons
[ ] Slinkys
[ ] speaking to a racist-fascist counselor who is LGBTQRSTUV friendly and is likely transgender his/her/self
[ ] sending all guns to Mars, no wait, send them to the sun !  Also ban clubs, knives, skillets, sharp sticks and rocks... and pebbles too

[ ] declaring white people illegal even though that probably includes myself

[ ] forcing all white people to cater to all other races like motion sick love slaves even though I am a white person myself
[ ] Making it a crime to arrest a black or latino person for any reason
[ ] Taking away DJ Trump's tweeter account
[ ] Forcing CNN and MSNBC to be the only channels available on TV in fly-over country
[ ] Require a recurring 10% payroll deduction for everyone on Earth to the clinton global initiative foundation
[ ] Creation of an Adopt an Islamic Terrorist program and fine anyone who doesn't participate (as long as they are not celebrities, sports jocks, politicians, democrats, or slave owners of any kind, and are not on welfare or are non-Caucasian, but are working tax paying slobs)  (See how complicated legislation can get??)
[ ] Show me a picture of a baby's arm holding an apple

[ ] Add you own relief suggestions.  Use additional paper if necessary but just remember where that freaking paper comes from !


  1. I actually cannot think of a single thing I want the government to do for me, beyond giving me the benefits that I’ve actually earned over many years. Hey, it was their idea, not mine.

    However, in the butt hurt department, my neighbor is upset because he wants a cross-species a-sexual transformation operation paid for by the government in perpetuity owing to the complexities of DNA associated with being turned into a female Siamese Cat capable of having sex with itself.

    I gave him your URL, but I doubt if you will hear from him directly owing to the fact that he wears cat-paw gloves these days and has no use of his thumbs. Besides the fact that he’s clinically a dumb-shit, it’s hard to understand what he’s saying because his tongue is swollen from constantly licking his fur coat, which was the first step and he had to get a loan for that.

    PS. He voted for Hillary twice and hasn’t stopped meowing since November. Hey ... you take in cats, right?

    1. We Try again....

      HAHAHa As you, the only thing I want the governemnt to do is provide for the national defense that I have chipped in on via fed Income tax. I want nothing else. I want evolution to take its course and eliminate all entities unable to sustain themselves in this luxurious evironment we live in here in the USA. I be happy widdat.

  2. Kid LOVES cats but this sounds a tad over the edge!

  3. Kid, a baby's arm holding an apple? Ummm.....
    Love this post...you have quite the imagination~

    1. Thanks so Much Zafirra! Maybe you got here before I added the Tubes youtube song. But that's where the baby's arm thing came from.

    2. @Z - Kid, a baby's arm holding an apple?
      Tennessee Williams

  4. i cannot comment....my butt hurts so bad...from literally laughingly sore ass off. Mustang...ya ole jarhead....you've taken it to another level man.

    1. IMP, This post was Mustang's Idea. I enhanced it a touch.

  5. Mustang's 'cat paw gloves guy' may be the scariest vision so far this Halloween season. And the funniest!

    Mr. Kid, as for your post - 2 things.
    1) all my answers keep changing as I scroll down the page. Was I not supposed to color directly on my monitor?
    2) I thought The Tubes only made one song ever... She's A Beauty. or was that Satriani?

  6. Mr Blade, Mustang can be very scary. I'm telling you. Believe me. Believe me.

    To your 1st question - I confess, this electronic form was designed to have all of your choices changed continuously just as with the electronic voting machines do. It was an evil plot by me to drive the snowflakes filling out the form to completely lose their minds and end up in asylums or prisons.

    To the 2nd Q, The Tubes did 'Shes a Beauty'. They also did tunes like 'Don't touch me there' and 'White Punks on Dope'

    1. oh. I thought Ed was just taking a shot at me again :/

  7. @ Kid

    Ummm ... I still have those negatives.

    1. Put them out Mustang ! I will not be extorted ! Plus they might make Z be more interested in me, who knows.

  8. I'm deeply offended by all people who claim to be deeply offended by anything, except those of us who are deeply offended by those claiming to be deeply offended, of course.

    Anyone who claims out loud or in print to be deeply offended by the following should be given a mandatory jail sentence of 30 days for the first offense, six months for the second, life wutbiut hope of parole for the third, summary execution by firing squad for the fourth

    A) Racism,

    B) Income Inequality,

    C) Sexism,

    D) Discrimination,

    E) Capitalism,

    F) Excessive Profits,

    G) Date Rape,

    H) The Use of Oriental to describe Asians,

    I) the use of Negro to describe blacks of African descent,

    J) the use of Colored to describe people who are not white,

    K) Manger Scenes at Christmas in town squares,

    L) statues of prominent historic figures who owned slaves,

    M) natural-born Americans who do not pronounce Spanish names with a heavy Spanish accent,

    N) people who denounce Islam for the invasive, aggressively murderous worldwide political movement disguised as a religion that it really is,

    O) people wo claim that the existence of guns, themselves, are responsible for the murders committed by lunatics and thugs who use guns,

    P) people who support the right to sue others for fun and profit our out of malice without having to pay the winners' legal fees, and court costs when they lose,

    Q) people who dare to condemn and punish the people who care to criticize outrageously anti-social, shady, aggressively disrespectful, devious, seditious, often criminal activities of non-white, non-Christian people who hate the USA and should not, therefore, be pernitted to remain here



  9. __________ THE ASS'S LAMENT __________

    Alas! Alack! For good or ill
    The world is no tea party.

    When issues press, voices get shrill

    And indignation hearty.

    This may distress the sensitive
And rouse self-righteous ire

    But Life's duress oft tends to give

    Each ass a kiss of fire!

    ~ FreeThinke

    1. FT, I'm down with all of that. Another way PC is ruining our country is calling someone who tries to educate some dipstick that he/she is a dickwad and potentially putting them on the right path a bully - is BS. Dipsticks need to be called out. It's all a part of growing up for dipsticks !

  10. Just invented a new genre –– PoorNIGraphy! Tale a look at this:

    Frederica Wilson, Maxine Waters, Sheila Jackson Lee, Barbara Lee, John Conyers, Keith Ellison, and the rest of the Black Caucus should be referred to as


    Spread it around

    PS: Whites qualify too, of course. Nacy Pelosi, Harry Reid, of curse. Then John McPain, John Kasich, and Susan Collins spring easily to mind, even though they keep calling themselves Republicans. Feel free to add to the list.

    1. I'll be spreading the demorrhoids meme around for sure man !

    2. Defecrat is great, Kid. Years ago I started calling them DemonRats, which they really are, but so far it hasn't caught on.

      "Defecrats" may be the best yet.

    3. FT, They seem to like it on the conservative comment sections.

  11. Would it be OK if I cross-posted this article to WriterBeat.com? There is no fee, I'm simply trying to add more content diversity for our community and found this article insightful. I'll be sure to give you complete credit as the aut5hor. If "OK" please let me know via email.