Wednesday, February 15, 2017
James Mattis Facts
When James Mattis does pushups, he is not pushing himself up, he is pushing the Earth down.
James Mattis is so fast, he can run around the world and smack himself on the back of his head.
When the bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for James Mattis.
James Mattis doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures James Mattis has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because its afraid to be on the same planet with James Mattis.
James Mattis does not sleep. He waits.
James Mattis is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
James Mattis counted to infinity - twice.
James Mattis can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
James Mattis doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
James Mattis can slam a revolving door.
James Mattis does not get frostbite. James Mattis bites frost.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Mattistatorship.
If you spell James Mattis in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Guns don't kill people. James Mattis kills people.
The chief export of James Mattis is Pain.
James Mattis has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the world are: 1. Heart Disease 2. James Mattis 3. Cancer.
James Mattis doesnt go hunting.... James Mattis GOES KILLING.
James Mattis uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
James Mattis once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. (He is sorry about that)
Crop circles are James Mattis way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
When James Mattis sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. James Mattis has not had to pay taxes, ever.
CNN was originally created as the "James Mattis Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. What the hell happened to this great network?
James Mattis once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of James Mattis victims before they died? His shoe.
James Mattis grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
James Mattis doesnt actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. James Mattis has 72... and they're all poisonous.
Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "James Mattis basement".
The square root of James Mattis is pain. Do not try to square James Mattis, the result is death.