Wednesday, February 15, 2017

James Mattis Facts




When James Mattis does pushups, he is not pushing himself up, he is pushing the Earth down.

James Mattis is so fast, he can run around the world and smack himself on the back of his head.

When the bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for James Mattis.

James Mattis doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures James Mattis has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because its afraid to be on the same planet with James Mattis.

James Mattis does not sleep. He waits.

James Mattis is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 

James Mattis counted to infinity - twice.

James Mattis can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. 

James Mattis doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

James Mattis can slam a revolving door. 

James Mattis does not get frostbite. James Mattis bites frost.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Mattistatorship.

If you spell James Mattis in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Guns don't kill people. James Mattis kills people.

The chief export of James Mattis is Pain.

James Mattis has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The leading causes of death in the world are: 1. Heart Disease 2. James Mattis 3. Cancer.

James Mattis doesnt go hunting.... James Mattis GOES KILLING.

James Mattis uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

James Mattis once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.  (He is sorry about that)

Crop circles are James Mattis way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

When James Mattis sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. James Mattis has not had to pay taxes, ever.

CNN was originally created as the "James Mattis Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.  What the hell happened to this great network?

James Mattis once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of James Mattis victims before they died? His shoe.

James Mattis grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

James Mattis doesnt actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. James Mattis has 72... and they're all poisonous.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "James Mattis basement".

The square root of James Mattis is pain. Do not try to square James Mattis, the result is death.

 

31 comments :

  1. James Mattis has a bear rug in his living room.
    The bear is alive.
    It's afraid to move.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ed, I am the bear. I'm also the walrus.

      Delete
    2. I heard that a fifteen-foot, 3,500-pound alligator refused to wrestle General Mattis. The poor alligator was scared shitless.

      Delete
    3. FT, He wasn't scared, he declined out of respect.

      Delete
    4. I need to be quoted. :-)

      Delete
  2. If all that is true of James Mattis, –– and I have no reason to doubt that it is –– so far ––, how come he didn't rush to the rescue of retired General Michael T. Flynn –– an EQUALLY terrific guy –– and split the skulls of Flynn's hypocritical, power-mad, dirty bastard enemies with a neat swift Karate Chop then bury them in a pit of quick lime?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FT, I'm not worthy to answer such a question. Please pose your question to JamesMattis@JamesMattis.ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

      Delete
    2. A sharp dude like that might not want to divulge his future plans, Kid, –– even to a friend and ally.

      I've always been told it's wise never deprive yourself of the Element of Surprise when dealing with an enemy.

      Delete
    3. Yep.

      I liked in Trump's presser today they asked him a couple times if he was going to do anything about Russia's provocations. he told them very sternly No, I'm not going to tell anyone our plans ahead of time. "I'm not going to tell you Anything" about these situations. "

      Unlike the past king doofus, probably giving a heads up to his buds actually.

      Delete
  3. Nice list! We all remember Bill Clinton's sidekick chocolate lab, Buddy. Or W's canine WH friend, Barney the Scottish Terrier. And who could forget Bo, obama's socialist Portuguese Water Dog? Now comes President Mister DJT and sidekick Mattis the Mad Dog. What should he feed him?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What should President Trump feed Mad Dog Mattis?

      BREAKFAST:

      Ten still-beating hearts ripped from the chests of Democrats before his eyes then charcoal-broiled,

      LUNCH:

      Ragout of Democrat stewed with carrots, celery, onions, and tomatoes seasoned with thyme and bay leaf

      DINNER:

      Choice steaks cut from the bodies of the Daily Breakfast Sacrifice

      DESSERT:

      Candied Clitoris excised daily from the genitalia of Lesbian Feminizes poured over 'Ratblood sorbet

      SNACK:

      Pemican prepared from whatever 'Ratmeat remains.

      Delete
    2. Distilled 'Ratblood might be more in order, Imp, but YEAH! I like the Hannibal Lecter reference.

      Good thinking!

      Delete
    3. I'm not even going to go up against FT on this one. Nice job.

      Delete
  4. God....I really am fond of this place Kid....between Geeez, CI's, JMB's and AOW's....we're just lucky and richer than the scum by far. Kudos to you Kid. FT...you're a gas.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Imp. Now why not come over and grace my place at least once in a while?

      We sure could use an infusion of your keen intelligence, wit, style, tenacity –– and FEROCITY.

      I don't bite anyone you know, except LEFTURDS, who regularly get KICKED OUT.

      I try hard t keep the place TROLL FREE.

      ];^}>

      Delete
    2. IMP, Thanks so much. Keeps me entertained also.

      Delete
    3. FT..you're on sir...I accept your invitation humbly.

      Delete
    4. FT...you are now in place of importance in my bookmarks....right smack in my favorites...as is Geeez, Diary of ....and AOW.

      Delete
    5. Thanks Imp and Kid. If you guys spend time at my place it will help keep me in my toes, and then things are sure to improve. Dealing with LEFTURDS, Trolls, Morons, Snots and and tired partisan BOILERPLATE is dull stuff.

      Delete
  5. Replies
    1. C-CS, Probably nothing to add unless you've been on a date with Mr Mattis and would like to share some details. :)

      Delete
  6. ALL - This list was originally Chuck Norris Facts. Not on his website currently, I had to go to the way back machine to find them. Z inspired me with her comment about Mattis having a bear rug, that wasn't dead, just afraid to move.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Why in the world did he resign?????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cube, Age I guess, and maybe the political environment?

      Delete
  8. Kid, DID YOU WRITE THESE????

    ReplyDelete
  9. Z, No, these originally came from Chuck Norris' website Titled Chuck Norris Facts. They were submitted by people around the world.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hey, Kid. As Noel Coward said something ike this, "Any fool can say something bright now and then, but it takes a REALLY bright man to REMEMBER what he's heard, and USE it later on when it will be most effective."

    I have a feeling that Noel Coward may not be your cup of tea exactly, but even so, you may take that as a compliment. §;-D=

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FT, Thanks. I didn't type them from memory but I did remember they were there as well as knowing about the wayback machine on the web, so I guess I get partial credit. :)

      Delete