I = Interviewer
G- So, do you have a safe room in case I start peeing my pants about some kind of a threat ?
I - No, this is real life here, and you can't bring a gun with you either. This is a gun free zone.
G- Ewwwww, a Gun? Who would have one of those things. I'm happy to hear this is a gun free workplace!
G - How diverse is your company – do you have all races and religions, and how many LGBT people do you have working here?
I - We hire people based on their talents and prior history and accomplishments.
G - (thinking to themself - well that's disgusting. A company that doesn't think about diversity...)
G- If I work really hard at something for the first 4 hours of the day I’m assuming I get full credit for the day and can go home at that point?
I - No, we have no such programs
G - (thinking - What regressives! What slave masters !)
G - Do you have employee self esteem building meetings on a regular basis?
I - No, we have no such programs. We concentrate on making profiits so that we can pay our employees a good wage and provide an assortment of benefits.
G - (thinking.. what the hell ?!)
G- Do you require proper spelling and grammar in inter and outside company communications?
I - Yes of course we expect our employees to be able to communicate orally or in writing according to generally accepted engligh.
G- (thinking... Retards!)
G -If I’m getting lots of text messages can I ignore when the phone rings ?
I - No, we expect that you will put our customers first in all situations while you are on the clock.
G - (thinking - Freakin Slave Drivers!)
G - How green is this company?
I - We strive to protect the environment at every step but we also need to make a profit so that we can make payroll, provide a portion of health, pension, and other benifits.
G - (thinking - Earth Destroyers !!)
G -Does this company put significant dollars into battling climate change?
I - No.
G (thinking, Earth Destroying Bastards !!)
I - We do not provide for work from home scenarios
G - ( thinking - Earth Destroying Bastards !!!)
G - How much money does this company donate to the democrat party election campaigns?
I - We donate to the Republican party.
G - (thinking Earth Destroying BASTARDS !!!!!!!)
G - Do you fire people who are not nice to the other employees?
I - We only deal with situations where an employee get physical with another employee. If someone is "not nice" to another employee, we don't get involved.
G - (thinking EARTH Destroying BASTARDS !!!!!!!)
G - How awsum is this company.
I - This company is very awesome, We currently sell hundreds of millions of our products and we have $100 Billion in the bank.
G - (thinking EARTH DESTROYING BASTARDS !!!!!!!)
G - How many adorable things are associated with this company.
I - Everything about this company is adorable.
G - (thinking, yea right)
G - Is this company badass?
I - This company is very bad ass.
G - (thinking, bad yea, bad ass no...)
G - Does this company provide free nutella, smores, coloring books and legos in the breakrooms?
I - No.
G - (thinking - what prehistoric cretins)
G - I'm interested in working here, but I require a minimum starting salary of $95k per year
I - Right now we have an over-abundance of applicants, and so I will call you if we determine that you would provide the company with a return on investment at a 95k salary. Thank you for coming in,.
G - (thinking - Damn these EARTH DESTROYING BASTARDS WANT ME !)