Today's College Grad Interviewing For a Job.

G =Grad

I = Interviewer

G- So, do you have a safe room in case I start peeing my pants about some kind of a threat ?

I - No, this is real life here, and you can't bring a gun with you either. This is a gun free zone.

G- Ewwwww, a Gun? Who would have one of those things. I'm happy to hear this is a gun free workplace!

G - How diverse is your company – do you have all races and religions, and how many LGBT people do you have working here? 

I - We hire people based on their talents and prior history and accomplishments.

G - (thinking to themself - well that's disgusting.  A company that doesn't think about diversity...)

G- If I work really hard at something for the first 4 hours of the day I’m assuming I get full credit for the day and can go home at that point?

I - No, we have no such programs

G - (thinking - What regressives!  What slave masters !)

G - Do you have employee self esteem building meetings on a regular basis?

I - No, we have no such programs. We concentrate on making profiits so that we can pay our employees a good wage and provide an assortment of benefits.

G - (thinking.. what the hell ?!)

G- Do you require proper spelling and grammar in inter and outside company communications?

I - Yes of course we expect our employees to be able to communicate orally or in writing according to generally accepted engligh.

G- (thinking... Retards!)

G -If I’m getting lots of text messages can I ignore when the phone rings ?

I - No, we expect that you will put our customers first in all situations while you are on the clock.

G - (thinking - Freakin Slave Drivers!)

G - How green is this company?

I - We strive to protect the environment at every step but we also need to make a profit so that we can make payroll, provide a portion of health, pension, and other benifits.

G - (thinking - Earth Destroyers !!)

G -Does this company put significant dollars into battling climate change?

I - No.

G (thinking, Earth Destroying Bastards !!)

G - If I work from home can I put the added environmental controls (like A/C electric) costs on my expense report? 
I - We do not provide for work from home scenarios
G - ( thinking - Earth Destroying Bastards !!!)

G - How much money does this company donate to the democrat party election campaigns?

I - We donate to the Republican party.

G - (thinking Earth Destroying BASTARDS !!!!!!!)

G - Do you fire people who are not nice to the other employees?

I - We only deal with situations where an employee get physical with another employee.  If someone is "not nice" to another employee, we don't get involved.

G -  (thinking EARTH Destroying BASTARDS !!!!!!!)

G - How awsum is this company.

I - This company is very awesome, We currently sell hundreds of millions of our products and we have $100 Billion in the bank.

G -  (thinking EARTH DESTROYING BASTARDS !!!!!!!)

G - How many adorable things are associated with this company.

I - Everything about this company is adorable.

G - (thinking, yea right)

G - Is this company badass?

I - This company is very bad ass.

G - (thinking, bad yea, bad ass no...)

G - Does this company provide free nutella, smores, coloring books and legos in the breakrooms?

I - No.

G - (thinking - what prehistoric cretins)

G - I'm interested in working here, but I require a minimum starting salary of $95k per year

I - Right now we have an over-abundance of applicants, and so I will call you if we determine that you would provide the company with a return on investment at a 95k salary.  Thank you for coming in,.

G - (thinking - Damn these EARTH DESTROYING BASTARDS WANT ME !)